Batman's Charm
by SilverScyther
Summary: When Bruce Wayne swoops into the daily planet to take Lois Lane on a date, Clark Kent finally decides to confront the other man in costume. Superman questions Batman's inherent charm and a challenge is accidentally issued. Superman ends up being taken on a date by Batman and when the rest of the league hears about it they want to join in on testing Batman's charm.
1. Chapter 1

It was a fairly normal day at work for Clark Kent and he honestly enjoyed the slight monotony of it, the casual conversations with his coworkers that came with a day that wasn't overloaded with work and that didn't require him to fight crime. Of course just as he was settling down with a steaming cup of coffee there seemed to be a shift in the atmosphere and despite all his senses Clark wasn't sure what it was. That immediately changed when he caught sight of Bruce Wayne. He did consider the other man a friend, but he tended to be a bit challenging to deal with in and out of costume. As to why he would be here, Clark had no idea. The relationship between the reporter Clark Kent and billionaire Bruce Wayne was extremely limited so approaching him out of the blue would seem very odd to most people.

"Hello Mr. Wayne, can I help you?" He asked standing up to speak to the billionaire, under the assumption that Bruce needed something with him, but Bruce breezed right past him with barely a glance and walked to Lois who was tapping at her computer with an intense look on her face.

"Hello, Lois," Bruce practically purred surprising the woman who had been bent over her work and entirely missed his entrance. She nearly knocked over her coffee when she flinched, but Bruce was there to steady her hand and throw her a charming smile, "It's been a while."

"Bruce, it's great to see you. I didn't know you'd be in town," she sounded genuinely excited to see him and Clark remembered that they dated for a time. Apparently they were still on good terms if her smile was anything to go by.

"I wanted to surprise you, I was wondering if you'd like to go grab something for lunch. If I remember correctly your lunch break should be starting soon," he sounded casual, but Clark knew Bruce planned this.

"Way to put a girl on the spot," Lois teased, "if I'd known you were asking me on a date I would have dressed up a bit." She fixed her hair slightly as she spoke, but she wasn't particularly frazzled.

"So this is a date?" Bruce asked, "I was merely asking a dear friend to lunch, but if you insist I'd be happy to go on a date with you."

She gave him a flat look that broke into a smile when she saw the twinkle in his eye, "Alright, but you're paying."

"Deal," he smiled back before adding, "and you didn't need to worry about dressing up, you look beautiful as always." She blushed slightly before turning to grab her coat. In her moment of distraction Bruce looked to Superman who had been watching the interaction with rapt attention and shot him an infuriating smirk. "Oh, Clark. I hadn't noticed you there, I apologize," his back was to Lois so she couldn't see Bruce's half mocking expression. He tended to be much more expressive out of mask, but he overplayed his emotions purposely to suit his personality. That and he loved toying with Clark and Superman.

He offered his arm to Lois who took it and they strolled out of the room looking like no time had passed since they had been in a relationship. Clark still wasn't sure exactly what happened between them, but it was fairly serious based on the fact that she did consider going to Gotham with Bruce. Ultimately she decided against it which Clark was thankful for. What annoyed him the most was how easily Bruce seemed to affect everyone. How did the emotionally stunted Batman manage to seduce nearly anyone who walked with such ease?

He decided to talk to Lois when she returned and later to speak with Bruce. It wasn't even that he was jealous about him being with Lois or Lois liking him, it just bothered him that Bruce was able to do it at all. He understood at Bruce was objectively handsome, he had some attractive features, but he knew Lois wasn't so shallow to fall for that long term. So what was it?

* * *

Lois was half an hour late in returning from her lunch break, but knowing she was out with Bruce Wayne nobody really felt like arguing with her about it. Clark approached her right after she sat down intending to ask how things went, but if the small smile that hadn't yet faded meant anything it probably went well. "So how was your date?" He asked carefully trying not to sound angry, merely curious.

"It was great to catch up with Bruce, he's as sweet as ever," Lois smiled, "this was a really nice surprise."

"It was just catching up?" Clark asked feeling slightly better that it was more of a friendly affair than anything romantic.

"Yeah, but he's taking me out to dinner tomorrow night. We're going to go dancing," Lois sighed dreamily and Clark resisted the urge to hit something or someone, "I don't know why you don't like him, Smallville."

"What?" Clark was actually slightly surprised he really didn't have an issue with Bruce, it was his fake playboy actions that got on his nerves, "I don't dislike him."

Lois just hummed looking at him with a slight look of disbelief, "Whatever you say." She returned to her work, leaving Clark to briefly ponder his friendship with the Dark Knight. He trusted him and they got along well when they weren't arguing about how things should be done. Yes, he mentally decided Bruce was a close friend despite how aggravating he was. Because Bruce was his friend he felt comfortable confronting him on the watchtower later in the night. He knew Batman had monitor duty which was the only reason his date with Lois was tomorrow night.

* * *

It was rather unceremonious when he dropped in on Batman, but the man didn't seem slightly fazed by Superman's sudden appearance. He looked at him briefly and without a word or visible response he managed indicate that Superman should explain his presence.

"You're planning to date Lois," Superman began his statement coming out almost as a question.

"I am," Batman responded evenly not stopping his quick typing.

"Why?" He asked keeping any irritation at bay.

"She's an interesting woman and our previous relationship has shown that we're compatible," Batman didn't move, but if were anyone else Clark would imagine they'd shrug.

Superman chose not to press the issue of starting a relationship on the base that two people were compatible, he knew in Batman's terms it meant he actually liked Lois. Instead he focused on why Lois wanted to date him, "Alright, but why does she want to date you?"

"I'd assume for similar reasons as my own, but I have many desirable qualities for her to choose from," Batman responded sounding slightly smug, but his expression remained unchanged.

"I don't get why people tend to flock to you," Clark said not quite under his breath.

"Flock to me?" Batman sounded vaguely interested, but still hadn't looked away from the monitor or stopped his work.

"Yes, I don't understand why people want you to like them and follow you when you're so insufferable," Clark replied sounding tired of trying to explain. League members tended to like Batman even though he unnerved or scared them to an extent and some craved his approval and attention like Flash or were interested in him like Diana.

"I'm not insufferable, I exude a quiet confidence that attracts people in times of danger.," Batman shrugged, "If I feel like it I can get anyone to like me." He added almost as an afterthought, "Plus I'm hot in and out of uniform I can seduce heroes, civilians, and quite a few villains." The last statement was accompanied by a very visible smirk.

"Alright prove it," Clark challenged him not really knowing what he was stepping into.

"Prove that I'm attractive?" Batman intoned.

"No, prove that you can seduce anyone," Clark clarified.

"How?" Batman's hands finally paused above the keyboard as the challenge was laid out.

Clark spoke impulsively in the heat of the moment, "Take me on a date."

* * *

 **A/N**

 **So Superman kinda asked out Batman on accident, let's see where this goes.**

 **Let me know what you thought and how this story should progress, I have two major plot possibilities. One is to take this on a fully comedic route and forego most romance the other would be to tie in romance and possibly make this a Batman x Superman story which I've never tried to write.**

 **This story just sort of happened so I'm not particularly invested in the story yet.**


	2. Chapter 2

_"Take me on a date."_

The moment Superman realized what he'd asked he began to backtrack, "No, wait- I didn't, um I mean you don't-"

He was cut off by Batman throwing him a charming smile, that didn't suit him at all, and responding in his normal rough voice, "Fine, what's the worst that could happen?"

"What?" Superman asked dumbly.

"I'll pick you up at 8:00 on Saturday, I have a date with Lois on Friday," Batman finally stood and with a few final key taps stepped away from the monitor.

"What?" Superman repeated still somewhat in shock.

Batman walked past him and called over his shoulder, "Oh and wear something nice, Bruce Wayne always expects his dates to look their best."

It took a minute before Superman was actually able to shake himself out of his uncomfortable daze. He had three days until he had a date with Bruce Wayne. Some people might've been happy, but he had a foreboding feeling that wouldn't go away.

* * *

Time passed far too quickly and he found himself waiting in his living room at 7:45 horrified that Bruce Wayne was about to appear to drag him to some unknown place. He wasn't sure if he was more worried about it being normal and having to play along or having a Batman-esque date fighting crime in back alleys. Somehow despite his far heightened senses he was still surprised when he herd a knock on the door. He glanced at the clock again, he was ten minutes early.

Steeling himself for the worst he opened the front door and found Bruce Wayne with a bouquet of roses, looking like he'd been plucked off one of the many magazine covers he'd been featured on in a perfectly tailored suit. He was as put together as Clark felt disheveled and the smirk on his face told Clark that he was well aware of that fact. Bruce looked over him appraising his appearance before asking with a hint of amusement, "That's what you're wearing?"

Clark immediately felt defensive, "Well I'm sorry some of us can't afford designer clothes." That annoying smirk still hadn't left Bruce's face, but before Clark could say anything Bruce held up a hand.

"Don't worry I brought something more suitable, so to speak," he disappeared for a moment before coming back with a second suit clearly meant for Clark. He held it out expectantly until Clark finally took it from his hands. He also snatched the roses out of Bruce's hands and threw them towards his living room table. "Those were expensive, you know?" Bruce asked gesturing at the roses which missed their mark and landed on the floor by his couch.

"You bought me a suit?" Clark asked as he looked over the clearly expensive black suit blatantly ignoring the flowers.

"I figured you couldn't dress yourself to my standards, on your own so I'd step in," Bruce folded his arms and gave him a superior look and Clark wondered if he was intentionally being annoying. He usually wasn't so aggravating. Emotionless and overly sure of himself, yes, but not this overtly superior.

"Screw you," Clark glared at him, but still took the suit into his bedroom.

"I doubt you'll be that lucky," Bruce retorted just loudly enough for him to hear as he changed into the suit, which of course fit perfectly. By the he made his way back into the living room he found Bruce had made himself quite comfortable and looked very out of place in the modest apartment. Bruce glanced at him and nodded in approval, "Better. Now don't forget your glasses, we wouldn't want anyone to realize you're Superman." Another infuriating smirk made it way onto his face as he stood up and walked out the front door clearly expecting Clark to follow, which he did.

Bruce led him to a limo driven by a man he didn't know and it smoothly took off to whatever destination Bruce had chosen. After allowing some of the ride to pass in somewhat comfortable silence Clark spoke up, "So exactly where are you taking me? I know we're dressed up, but it won't be too out in the open, right? I don't want anyone to see me."

"Sorry, but you're the one who demanded a date. I went all out, we're going to one of the ritziest high-profile restaurants in the city. Plus it may have been leaked that Bruce Wayne would be taking an only slightly less attractive date out tonight," Bruce's seemingly ever present smirk only grew as did Clark's trepidation, "Try to look good in front of the paparazzi. I wouldn't want my good reputation tainted"

Clark just sighed in response and tried to remain calm, but the moment the car came to a stop and the chauffeur opened the door he was assaulted by the flashing of cameras. In that moment he got to see a different side to the man behind the mask, Bruce navigated the crowd with practiced ease chatting with the paparazzi like it was second nature. Clark just tried to trail after him without tripping, silently cursing himself and Bruce until they finally made it through the doors and away from prying eyes. He felt like he could finally breathe now that he wasn't be hounded and he felt a bit bad that those people were in the same industry as him, though he was never as obnoxious.

The maitre d' approached them as the doors closed and immediately asked, "Your private table, sir?"

"Of course," Bruce responded following the man as he turned to lead them into the dining room. Bruce made a gesture to Clark indicating that he should be following and Clark quickly complied, just wanting to be seated. The were seated at a table for two tucked away near the back of the restaurant giving the appearance of privacy. Their waiter quickly approached the table pouring some expensive wine before stepping away promising to return for their orders.

"Clark, when was the last time you went on a date?" Bruce asked sounding genuinely curious the annoying expression on his face finally melting into something more neutral.

Clark tried to remain slightly vague, "It's been a bit." It was a major understatement, but Bruce didn't know that. On second thought, knowing him, he probably did. Hell, he probably knew his entire dating history.

"That's perfectly fine," Bruce responded waving the answer off, but added, "but have you forgotten that you're supposed to enjoy yourself? You keep looking like your dog got killed."

"Krypto," Clark whispered.

"Who?" Bruce was thrown, not knowing what he meant.

"I don't know, I might've had a dog and he disappeared. He must've been written out or something," Clark mumbled looking mildly confused.

"Did someone spike your wine?" Bruce sounded concerned.

"Never mind, being here with you probably has me addled or something," Clark mentally shook himself. Thoughts of dogs disappeared and he refocused on the situation in front of him, the date.

"Right," Bruce allowed silence to fall for a few seconds before starting again, "go ahead and check the menu, everything here is great and for the price I pay its no surprise."

Clark's eyes widened at the prices which were exorbitant, but he was sitting across from one of the richest men on the planet so he decided to indulge in the steak that would have cost half his paycheck. The waiter came and went allowing him to turn his attention back to Bruce who was observing him with a neutral expression, but Clark could've sworn there was a ghost of a smile resting just under the surface. "What?" Clark asked meeting his gaze.

"I was just thinking that if I didn't know you were a country boy living a life within his means, I might believe you were an actual socialite. In the expensive suit I bought you actually look the part, or you would if tried looking a bit less nervous," Bruce explained easily.

"It's not surprising that I'm nervous I keep expecting you to throw a batarang at someone for being too loud or whip out kryptonite when I use the wrong fork," Clark admitted not entirely joking.

"I'll restrain myself from doing anything drastic tonight," Bruce promised placing a hand over his heart. Clark huffed out a small laugh and decided to push his worries out of his mind. He rarely got to hang out with Bruce, if he ignored the implications that it was a date, maybe he could enjoy himself.

"Also restrain yourself from doing anything too romantic, it's creepy," Clark shuddered a bit at the possibilities.

"The king of romance will try to keep himself under control," Bruce responded seriously.

"Now you're the king of romance?" Clark couldn't stop a small smile from appearing on his face

"I'm many know as many things to many people, the king of romance is just one of my many monikers. I'm a renaissance man, honestly you could learn a lot from me," Bruce shrugged as if he wasn't singing his own praises. He also said in a low tone, "I am the night, I am vengeance, I am Batman. Just so you know."

"What?" Clark asked thrown by the addition of his declaration.

"What?" Bruce asked in return as if it wasn't odd to declare himself literally the night, the embodiment of vengeance, and to reveal his secret identity in public.

* * *

Clark found he enjoyed himself more than he expected once the initial awkwardness faded and by the time he was being driven home he had relaxed. Of course there were some bumps, including when Bruce took to critiquing his eating style and informed him he was indeed using the wrong utensils. Regardless of his slightly more relaxed state he couldn't help, but feel relieved when they finally arrived at his apartment. Bruce insisted on walking him to his door as a proper gentleman.

"So is this the part where I kiss you?" Bruce asked in a a falsely mild tone, because Clark was sure there was no way he could be that casual about it, in response he received a slammed door from a very red Superman. Thanks to his hearing Clark could hear Bruce laughing all the way back to the car.

Clark briefly wondered how Bruce would act around him once they were back in costume because there was no way Batman would spend his time teasing Superman in the Watchtower in front of everyone and God only knew what everyone would do if they found out about the date. He briefly considered telling Wonder Woman, who Batman refused to date for her own safety according to him. If she found out she might get angry and setting an angry Wonder Woman on Batman sounded like a perfectly fair way of getting revenge.

Was it petty, absolutely. Did he care, not in the least. With that thought in mind he smiled as he hung up the suit and prepared to hopefully a restful enough sleep to recover from the night.

* * *

 **A/N**

So did I take forever to post this and did I randomly post it in the middle of the week instead of Friday/Saturday when I usually upload? The answer to both is yes, but at least I finally updated.

So the date happened and I'm not sure how I feel about it, I'm sure from the end of it you can guess who is coming in the next chapter, (hint: she just had a movie about her).

Let me know what you thought and thank you for reading.


	3. Chapter 3

Clark wasn't sure exactly how his initial plan of throwing Bruce under the bus in front of the league for taking him on a date devolved into chaos so spectacularly. He guessed he should have expected it, but still he had hoped to avoid any problems from falling on himself.

* * *

Going into work the Monday following his date with Bruce, he resolved not to tell Lois despite wanting her opinion because it would raise too many questions. However, he completely forgot that his date was tabloid fodder and was shocked when Lois confronted him about it. "If the reason you were uncomfortable around Bruce was that you had a crush on him you should have just said so," Lois gave him a slight glare, "I don't have any problem with it, I'm just annoyed that you were so rude to him. Thankfully Bruce called and explained everything before your date so you're off the hook."

Clark felt a blush rise on his face not because he was interested in Bruce, but because now Lois thought he has a crush on Bruce and was surprisingly accepting. He was about to deny it, but she cut him off.

"Don't deny it, I can see it on your face," Lois laughed, "Not that I can blame you. Did you sleep with him?"

Clark managed to squeak out, "no." Before almost running to his desk trying to mentally beat away the image of him and Bruce together in bed together. He did his best to avoid Lois for the rest of the day and anyone else who so much as hinted that they knew he went out with Bruce. Honestly this was the worst place to be if he wanted privacy, he was surrounded by reporters constantly hunting for news.

Rather than head home after work he chose to go to the watchtower to give Bruce a taste of his own medicine, Clark wanted to watch him explain why they went out together. He couldn't exactly tell anyone on earth it was a challenge from Superman to Batman, but with the league he didn't have such reservations.

* * *

Wonder Woman would be his first target, mainly because of the league members who had varying degrees of minor crushes on Batman she was likely the most serious and the only one he knew Batman might actually date. To be fair he only knew this because those were two of the league members he was around most often so if Batman was close with another league member and romantically interested Superman might not be aware of it.

He found her easily enough, but before he could say anything other than a greeting he was approached out of nowhere by Flash who without preamble asked, "When did you and Batman start dating? I saw that he took you out to a fancy restaurant. I knew there was some tension there, but I guess I misread the type, I didn't even know you liked guys, I thought you were into that Lois lady," Flash sped through his words, but Superman dealt with him enough to understand his rapid fire questions and he was becoming very uncomfortable under the weight of Diana's stare. "Oh, hi Wonder Woman," Flash greeted her clearly not reading the mood.

Superman would admit she seemed to be taking it better than he might expect, but he could see signs of her anger and he tensed when she finally asked, "What is Flash talking about?"

Superman figured doing damage control as quickly as possible was the best course of action. "I swear we aren't in a relationship, Batman and I were having an argument about why people are drawn to him despite being so antisocial. He claimed he was charming to prove it I told him to take me out," Superman put his hands in front of him as if to ward of blows. He quickly realized his mistake, he meant to spin it to put Batman in the more negative light and be the first to mention it to Diana. Of course in his nervousness, thanks to Flash's intrusion, he managed to make himself look like the one who asked out Batman, which technically he did, but he chose to ignore that.

"Wait for real?" Asked Flash tilting his head to the side and looking at Superman for signs of deception. Wonder Woman seemed to be doing the same, though he felt a tad more hostility from her end.

Diana seemed to nod as if she accepted his explanation, but Flash chose to dart down the hall rather than verbally respond. Only a moment later he came back with Batman who Superman expected was going to be facing at least the same treatment, instead of course it started the trend that would lead to chaos within the league with who else, but Batman in the center.

"So Bats, Superman says you have to take us on dates now," Flash half asked as he looked at Batman whose expression gave little away.

"He said that?" Batman asked glancing at Superman in confirmation, but Superman was frozen not sure where this was going to go and not sure he wanted to know.

"Pretty much," Flash shrugged, "and I'm much cuter right?" Flash leaned in and did what Superman assumed would have been jokingly batting his eyelashes if he wasn't wearing a mask.

"Of course," Batman said with a trace of amusement, raising his hand to pat Wally's head indulgently. Superman knew Bruce had a soft spot for Flash and he also knew Bruce blamed it on Dick. It looked more like mocking than anything else, but there was something nice behind it.

"So you'll take me out to eat right? It's only fair," Flash pressed on looking at Batman with wide eyes, though with his mask the puppy-dog look was much less effective. However it seemed to work well enough.

"Well if Superman says so, I guess I don't have much of a choice," Batman's gaze slid to Superman, but thankfully he seemed more amused than annoyed. The same could not be said of Diana whose anger resurfaced. Superman got the feeling that he was doing this on purpose to stir up trouble, possibly in retaliation for what he perceived as Superman's fault or simply because he found sparking an argument funny.

Thankfully Diana growing anger was cut off when Batman asked, "Diana would you like to go out on a different night? Considering you're right here I'd feel bad about having taken both of them on dates without offering the same to you."

"I'd love to, but I expect something romantic," Diana responded keeping her composure. Superman guessed she was expecting to be wined and dined, though Wally would probably be happy just getting enough food to fill him rather than care about the romantic aspect of it.

"Anything for you," Batman confirmed, "but Flash asked first so I'll plan something after we've gone out. I'll set up the dates for both of you and let you know. Don't mention this to anyone else, I don't plan to do this for the entire league," Batman looked at each of them sternly before walking away with a flourish of his cape, that somehow came across as natural.

* * *

As much as Superman thought it would have been fun to tell the league to get everyone on board with asking about dates, he knew the repercussions outweighed the benefits and it would probably just sow discord among everyone. He didn't know if the other two would keep quiet, but he figured Wonder Woman wouldn't want to share and Flash didn't particularly like upsetting Batman, nobody did.

He decided that he wasn't going to win this round and it would likely be best to let the whole affair blow over, it didn't seem like Batman held any animosity over it and once the other two had gotten their chance things would go back to normal.

* * *

 **A/N**

(Things aren't going to blow over...shocking)

Let me know what you thought and please favorite or follow to see when I next update. Sorry I haven't updated this in so long I just started getting back into fanfiction roughly last month and I focused on what I consider my main story "Public Service Announcements of Justice" they aren't related so you don't have to read that one to read this.

I have a tendency to write Batman as being nicer to the younger heroes, even when I write him as a sociopath in other stories, I just imagine him being corrupted by his Robins. Which explains his attitude towards Flash, his attitude towards Diana comes from genuine affection and trying to get Superman in trouble because he can.

Thanks for reading.


	4. Chapter 4

Superman had hoped that Batman's date with Flash would be less noticeable than his own to prevent the story from getting more attention, but of course that was impossible especially with Wally dragging Bruce to no less than six restaurants trying to get his fill and the paparazzi caught them at every one.

The story released featured headlines ranging from, " _Wayne dating six identical red-headed young men_!", " _Already cheating on his new beau with a mysterious new man_ ", " _Bruce Wayne dining and dashing with new Red compatriot_ ", " _Bruce Wayne's ever changing tastes!_ " Superman stopped reading not wanting to look any more. The problem was two-pronged the first being that while most of the league missed the articles featuring him, with this round of press both he and Wally were being mentioned as competing for Bruce's heart or something of the like and members might see it this time. The second issue was that he was becoming slightly more noticeable to normal people, glasses might hide his secret identity, but in his everyday life he'd been noticed a few times as looking like, "that guy that Wayne went out with."

Bruce of course couldn't be bothered to be subtle stopping to talk to the press saying things like, "You have to appreciate a man with a good appetite" or when asked about Clark saying, "I can't be bound so easily, he needs to step up his game if he wants to keep me from being snatched away, I'm prime realty." Some people knew he was joking, Lois in particular was getting a kick out of the headlines. Of course because she was still in contact with Bruce, which got on his nerves, she was kept updated. The only thing she didn't know or refused to accept was that Clark wasn't in love with Bruce. However, she was fine with believing Wally was just a friend who wanted a meal. It was a horrible double standard born from his blatant distaste for Bruce when they first met, which was mostly out of jealousy and distrust.

Things were only bound to get worse whenever Bruce and Diana went out and though he didn't know the exact date, he knew it had to be coming soon.

* * *

When Superman ran into the Flash the day after reports started to come out he seemed was extremely pleased with how things were going. He was carrying around a magazine and poring over it carefully.

"I look pretty good in those shots, I didn't know I was so photogenic," Flash nodded to himself, "Right now I'm Mr. Steal your man." He looked at Superman like this was the funniest thing that had happened in forever chuckling as he spoke, "Seriously it's Flash vs. Superman for Batman's hand, this is ridiculous, right?" If he was expecting Superman to laugh he was missing the mark, Superman could literally only think of the negative possibilities of all this. This was of course only further confirmed when Batman decided to walk by only saying, "Wonder Woman is looking for you two. I hope she can live up to my previous dates. She seemed quite excited reading about yours."

Flash sobered immediately at the implications, even with his devil-may-care attitude he must have known the warpath Wonder Woman was likely on. Flash fled his excuse only being that he left his cat running and Superman for his part didn't bother with an excuse, he doubted he had to explain his actions to Batman.

He resolved to stay out of everyone's way until Wonder Woman had her date, which with any luck would go so well she stopped caring about any of this. He absolutely would not get involved at all.

* * *

The only reason he was currently following Bruce and Diana through Gotham was because he wanted to make sure he knew what to expect in the near future, regarding the possible fallout. He wasn't a stalker despite skulking around under the cover of darkness in a sweatshirt, if anything he felt a bit like Batman. Honestly he didn't really foresee problems as long as he was careful. The pair pulled up in front of a restaurant that he triumphantly noticed it seemed slightly less fancy then his date was. The bill would likely still cost hundreds of dollars for two people, but still. The main difference was that using his x-ray vision he could tell the tables were set around a dance floor, which explained the location choice, Diana did want to dance and Bruce had a habit of indulging her despite his decision not to pursue a full relationship. Clark guessed the reasoning was that one date couldn't hurt because he'd been pretty adamant up to this point.

Clark hid in a tree across the street from the restaurant to watch the two and listen in, it was a fairly good vantage point and provided decent coverage especially in the dark. He almost groaned aloud as Bruce stopped to brag about how beautiful his date was and Diana made sure to get a few good poses while the paparazzi took pictures. By the time they made it inside and took their seats Clark was sure there was already plenty of material for every newspaper and trashy magazine to publish.

Partway through the meal when Diana got up to use the restroom, Bruce started messing around with his napkin and Clark belatedly realized he was writing on it. After a few moments he angled the napkin directly towards Clark and on it was written, "I know you're there" and a rudimentary drawing of Superman behind bars. What that exactly meant he didn't know, but the most important issue was that he'd been caught. Clark was stuck for the time being because reporters were still milling around and they'd notice if he tried to get down so he had to hope Bruce didn't say anything to Diana. He was too bulky to jump out of a tree when there were a few reporters milling around almost directly below him. Thankfully people had their eyes and cameras trained on the restaurant, and Superman didn't have to resort to causing an accident to distract them.

Throughout the rest of the meal, which seemed to go well, and their dance, which was quite elegant, Bruce didn't mention him at all. Clark thought he was actually safe and Bruce was doing him a solid. However, when they were on the balcony chatting Bruce suddenly turned to him and said extremely loudly enunciating every word clearly, "Is someone spying on us? Who's in that in the tree over there?" He pointed directly at him and both Diana and some of the reporters turned to look directly at Clark. Once the first few reporters saw him all the rest started to look as well and in only a few seconds he had dozens of cameras shooting pictures of him. He couldn't fly without risking his identity so he had to drop out of the tree and run with his face covered. With the leaves blocking him, the dark, and his hood he was pretty sure he was able to cover most of his face. If Diana could shoot beams out of here eyes Clark was positive he'd have been fried during his escape, he suddenly didn't feel much like Batman any more.

He ducked into an alleyway and managed to lose them. The first thing he did was fly to his apartment to curse Bruce and write his obituary because he was pretty sure Diana was going to steal some Kryptonite and make him eat it for interrupting her date.

He suddenly came up with a genius idea that would allow him to avoid everything, all he had to do was find some Superman clone, there were probably a few laying around in someone's basement, and dress it like Clark Kent. Then he'd pretend to have a twin brother, Kirk Kent, and blame it all on him. It was perfect then Kirk could go back to wherever he was hanging around before. Clark could come out of it smelling like roses. Sure he didn't have the specifics down, but they weren't all that important in the end.

Yeah Kirk the clone was the crazy stalker and Clark was just his disapproving twin all he needed was the actual clone and probably Batman's support because people would buy it if he played along. He wasn't sure which would be harder to get on such short notice.

* * *

 **A/N**

Yes, the genius that is Clark decided to russle up a clone and pin the blame on him. I was going to name the clone Clerk Kent, but even for one of my characters it was a bit too dumb in this story. This is the part where we start slipping off the deep end, but who knows maybe things will get back on track to a normal story...

I'm extremely aware that I haven't updated this in forever, but this chapter called out to me. The next chapter won't take nearly as long because I have half planned in my head, but I have other stories I'm updating for Justice League it'll be mainly PSA of Justice and a new chapter for What's a Date Worth. (So if you read those expect updates soon)

Please follow or favorite to see when I update and leave a review to let me know what you think. If this story does take a romantic turn it'll be a little while, but it seems most people are happy to stick to comedy. Let me know if you start to feel otherwise.


	5. Chapter 5

In his panicked planning Superman didn't account for how difficult it would be to find a clone of himself, of course he didn't expect it to be simple, but he was hoping he could snoop somewhere near Lex and find a sleeping clone. It wouldn't be the first time, unfortunately either it was well hidden enough that some cursory glances with x-ray vision around the world couldn't turn anything up or the man learned his lesson and decided to halt production.

He couldn't hide from the league forever and it'd been two days since he'd last been on the Watchtower or had any form of communication. Without any real emergencies happening to explain his absence waiting any longer would appear suspicious unless he had a good excuse. Time off was always requested or at least mentioned beforehand to prevent anyone worrying about disappearances and the people he would've had to tell were the people he was most concerned about trying to trick. He stepped into the Watchtower with some trepidation he quickly made his way through the common area before anyone could speak to him, he wanted to get to his private quarters to gather himself before speaking to Batman, hopefully to gain support and prepare for the rest of the league's possible scrutiny.

Unfortunately, in his haste and distraction he didn't notice two people turning the corner of the hallway, until it was too late and he was standing only a few steps away from Wonder Woman and Batman. Batman's gaze was hidden beneath his cowl and his expression betrayed nothing, but Wonder Woman strode up to him with fury in her eyes. "Oh Batman look it's the, _ex turned stalker_ , as the Gotham Gab so eloquently put it."

"I thought he looked familiar, so that's where I know you from," Batman said clearly enjoying this, "you're that stalker from the magazines."

"Exactly, the one who completely ruined our date, do you remember that?" She asked her anger not abating.

Superman wasn't sure if the question was directed at him, the date ruiner, or Batman, whose date was ruined. It really didn't matter he went with his gut and said, "It wasn't me."

Wonder Woman gave him a very unimpressed look, "The only person who knew about the date besides us three was Flash and I'm pretty damn sure that wasn't him. So if it wasn't you, who was the person who looked exactly like you sitting in that tree?" Batman was giving him, what Superman interpreted as, an expectant look from his place behind Wonder Woman.

Superman threw away the idea of pretending he had a true twin, only because both Batman and Wonder Woman had met his family at different times. He took a deep breath and said with as much resolve as he could muster, "It was a clone of mine, Kirk Kent."

Wonder Woman looked at him as if he was crazy and Batman was trying to disguise his laughing as a coughing fit hiding a smile behind his gloved hands.

"Who the hell is Kirk Kent?" She asked glaring at him.

Batman had sobered his expression and his voice was completely level when he finally spoke, "He's telling the truth as ridiculous as it sounds."

"Don't try to play me, Hera only knows why you'd defend him, but do you really expect me to believe this?" Wonder Woman turned to look at Batman whose face remained a completely impassive wall under her glare.

"Do you really think I'd waste an opportunity to mock Superman if he truly followed us around on a date?" He asked and Wonder Woman look considering, he continued, "I kept the clone a secret because it was a failure of Lex's that I managed to get my hands on. It was a prototype, Lex tried to build something a bit weaker than Superman, that would be easier to control, but the clone had only the smallest fraction of Superman's abilities. It was too weak to actively use for defending the world in its current state." Batman spoke as if this was completely true and considering all that they'd faced over the years, it wasn't the most impossible situation they'd been faced with.

Without waiting for anyone to respond he continued, "I hadn't figured out what to do with him so Superman begged me to watch over him for the time being and keep him a secret," of course he managed to blame Superman, "In his attempt to make the clone malleable he installed a feature akin to imprinting. Since the moment I took him in Kirk has been forming a bit of an obsession with me, it's usually nothing serious, more like a dog loving its owner than anything else, but I suppose going on all these dates he felt threatened and chose to follow us."

"That all sounds insane," Wonder Woman protested and honestly Superman agreed, it might not be the most wild thing ever, but it was pretty out there.

"Think about it, Superman could easily have stood on a rooftop a mile away and still clearly seen and heard our entire date if he felt like it. Someone like Kirk who is far weaker needed to be much closer. A normal human wouldn't have been able to easily observe us clearly from that distance, a meta-human with abilities slightly beyond human like Kirk would have needed to be closer. Plus if it were Superman don't you think he'd be able to get out of that situation a bit more easily?" He asked and Superman felt dumber than before this, knowing that it was true, but he honestly was enjoying playing spy to take things seriously.

"Still," Wonder Woman didn't look entirely convinced.

"I understand your hesitance," Batman paused for a moment, "I know, why don't I introduce you to him? Come to the manor in a few days, he's a bit of a recluse so I just want to let him know ahead of time."

Superman hadn't said a word the entire conversation, he was in complete shock that Batman created an completely fake person with an entire backstory in literally a few seconds. He made the whole thing up as he went and now Wonder Woman was supposed to meet Kirk Kent, it was probably too much to hope that he had a clone in his Batcave which meant Superman got the distinct impression he'd be forced to play along.

"Fine, I'll meet this Kirk," she spat out the name and her tone clearly conveyed she wasn't convinced, which Superman couldn't blame her for. If it were literally anyone other than Batman she probably wouldn't even give them the chance to prove it, Superman just mentally thanked Batman for defending his honor though he didn't know why. Then a sudden chill fell over him as he felt Batman look at him. Wonder Woman stalked off and with a nod of his head indicated Superman should follow him, helpless to do anything else he followed the other hero to his private quarters.

* * *

The walk was silent Batman felt no need to speak and Superman didn't know what he was meant to say, he just assumed Batman would explain things once they were alone. Since Batman was serving as his savior he chose to obey whatever he was ordered to do, at this point he didn't have any viable options. Batman closed and locked the door the moment they were alone, without preamble he commanded, "Strip."

The room was always kept somewhat dim as Batman rarely came into his quarters unless he was crashing after working too hard for too long, so thankfully Superman's blush wasn't visible, but it wasn't dark enough to afford him the privacy to undress without being seen. Superman immediately realized what was happening, clearly he was paying Batman's help back with his body.

Apparently he wasn't moving fast enough for Batman's tastes because he was startled out of his thoughts when he felt the familiar weight of his cape fall to the floor. "You really never make things easy do you?" Batman asked, and that could refer to anything that had happened in the last few days, but Superman didn't focus on worrying about the implication. He knew he was making Batman's life difficult, but as Batman peeled the kryptonian fabric over his shoulders and slowly pulled the material down, he couldn't bring himself to care.

It wasn't until his chest was exposed that Superman finally found his voice, "What are you doing?" he ground out feeling Batman's hands finally pause, he pulled away allowing the suit to snap against his skin unpleasantly. Batman didn't answer he merely tugged on Superman's left arm pulling it until it was out of the sleeve and repeating the process with his right. There had to be kryptonite hidden around because in no world should Superman feel so powerless. He tried to turn his body to look at the man behind him,"Batman-"

He was cut off when Batman grabbed his shoulders and forced him to face forward angling his body so he was standing straight. "If you know what's good for you don't move and keep your mouth shut until I'm done." Batman stepped away for a moment to pull something from his belt, but it took only a moment for him back to his position, his chest against Superman's back. Superman heard a noise and suddenly felt something wrap around his hips.

"Is that a snake?" He shrieked not knowing what Batman was thinking at this point and not putting it past him.

"For God's sake Clark, it's called measuring tape, I need to know your body measurements," Batman's voice dripped with scorn. Normally he was almost religious about not referring to as a hero by their secret identity while in their uniform, but to be fair he was half naked or it could be that Batman's patience was thoroughly exhausted.

Batman moved the tape to wrap around his chest moving closer and at this point Superman was embarrassed partly because his assumptions and partly because he could feel the other man was staring at his exposed skin with a critical eye, dragging his hands along his body methodically measuring him. It felt stupid to be embarrassed, he'd been shirtless plenty of times, working in the fields at home, spending time on beaches, he'd even been naked in the communal showers, it wasn't like he was parading around the Watchtower naked. To distract himself he managed to ask after far too long, "Why do you need to do this?"

"Because, Kirk," Batman spoke disdainfully, "if I have been housing you, then you'd obviously be wearing much nicer clothing than the cheap suits Clark wears so often wears when you meet Wonder Woman for the first time." He punctuated his sentence by tugging the tape tight around Superman's waist. Superman found the syntax of the sentence weird, but talking about himself and himself as a different person in multiple tenses was fairly confusing to start.

"Why were you so nervous when we came in here? What were you expecting when I started taking off your clothing?" Superman felt himself shiver and Batman continued berating his weakness in a low rumble, "What could make the great hero Superman tremble when a normal human placed his hands on you?" He dragged his nails down Superman's skin while he brought the tape around his chest questioning him again, "What could it possibly be that is making the Man of Steel so vulnerable under my finger tips?"

"Nothing, I just got the wrong idea," Superman kept his voice fairly level, but felt he managed to walk into a trap just by answering.

"You were lost in your perverted fantasies," Batman hissed, pulling the measuring tape tight around Superman's neck to stop him from disagreeing. He quickly crouched to measure Superman's inseam and walked out the door with Superman staring after him in shock, he called back in a voice that was far to casual for whatever just happened, "Well _Kirk_ , that was fun, drop by the manor tomorrow. I'll have some clothes for you and we'll discuss your backstory." He made sure to emphasize the name Kirk.

Superman had the feeling that Batman was getting an annoying amount of enjoyment teasing him about Kirk Kent and whatever happened in his private quarters was just mean. Sure maybe in retrospect he shouldn't have assumed Batman was planning to ravish him, but the other man wasn't exactly forthcoming about what was happening. Despite his misgivings he still needed to meet Bruce tomorrow to create some form of plan or he'd face the wrath of Wonder Woman alone.

* * *

 **A/N**

So Batman's having way too much fun and Superman just doesn't know going on anymore, but manages to assume the worst. Wonder Woman is on the warpath, but she's confused. It is the rise of Kirk Kent.

So I decided to dance around a scene that was almost SuperBat, but I brought it back from the brink and it turned out to be nothing like what Superman expected.

Some people seem to be for Superbat some don't want romance or prefer it with another character and some don't seem to have a preference. Things will probably be kept quite loose in terms of romance so later on it can take a larger role without it seeming jarring or it can fade without weakening the plot. If the reviews start really calling for something I'll obey, but for now let's just enjoy the ride.


	6. Chapter 6

Clark was silently wishing extreme misfortune on Bruce as he drove up to Wayne Manor. He'd wish death on the other man, but the world needed Batman and he didn't exactly want Bruce dead, maybe just a tumble down the stairs. He drove up the obscenely long driveway and parked by the door, with only a single knock the door swung open, though that might be because he nervous energy allowed a bit more strength in his knock then he'd planned. Thankfully he didn't knock the door off the hinges, not that Bruce couldn't afford to fix it.

Before he could step through the door Alfred appeared in a distinctly Bat-like fashion and spoke before Clark could say anything, "Master Kirk, please come in, Master Bruce is expecting you."

"Alfred please call me Clark," Clark was quick to correct him having a horrible feeling about what was to come.

"I apologize, but Master Bruce has impressed upon all of us the importance of treating you and referring to you as Kirk," Alfred's tone was level, but Clark was almost certain he detected some amusement hidden in the butler's voice. He also picked up on the wording specifically "all of us"

"Do you mean there are others here, Alfred?" Clark asked already focusing his hearing to tell who was around, but all of the bats moved nearly silently so it was always difficult to place them.

"A family gathering happened to overlap with your and Ms. Diana's visit," Alfred confirmed his fears and this time he was sure that Alfred found this funny though it didn't show on his face.

"Where are they?" Clark asked weakly, knowing many of the walls and floors were lead-lined to prevent him from peeking.

"The children are scattered about, but Master Bruce is in his room awaiting you," Alfred explained and continued with, "I'll take you up now." Clark desperately tried not to get any ideas lest he end up in a situation similar to the last time he saw Batman. Clark slowly followed Alfred, he'd visited the house enough to know the layout of the lower floors, but he'd never been invited into Bruce's room. It was odd he'd been in Batman's most private area, the Batcave, but he'd never seen Bruce's most private room, his bedroom.

Before Clark realized it they came to a stop in front of a large door and Alfred bowed away going to go buttle or whatever butler's did. Before Clark could know the door swung open and Bruce stood before him dressed smartly in a perfectly cut suit. Of course he looked like he stepped out of a magazine and Clark felt like a complete mess being judged by the other male. He coughed uncomfortably and started, "So-

Bruce easily cut him off, "Come in, Kirk it's time to prepare for battle." He beckoned Clark in and closed the door behind him. Clark couldn't help, but flinch at the sound of the door clicking into place closing him in the room with the billionaire. "Don't be so nervous, I don't need to measure you this time," he teased lightly and Clark flushed at the mention of his actions.

"What do we need to do?" Clark asked biting the bullet. He was Superman for goodness sake, he could handle this and whatever was to come. Still right now he was just Clark Kent standing under the gaze of one of the most powerful men in the world even without a costume. The disparity between their positions was heightened when they weren't Superman and Batman, now they weren't colleagues, nor particularly close friends and certainly not on the same level. Yet here they stood a short silence hanging in the room leaving Clark squirming internally.

Bruce seemingly unbothered, interrupted the silence, but Clark's relief was ruined by the words he spoke with the slight amusement that Clark was growing to hate, "Strip, Kirk."

"You said you didn't need me to take my clothes off," Clark protested hotly, finally finding his nerve.

"I specifically said I didn't need to measure you, what I do need is for your clothes to come off," Bruce retorted easily, "My house my rules, Kirk. Besides I'm the one doing you a favor the least you can do is follow my instructions."

"I'm just not comfortable," Clark tried again despite knowing Bruce wasn't one to consider his comfort.

Bruce in a completely serious tone asked, "Would you feel better if I took my clothes off?" He reached for his tie as if to loosen it and that was the opposite of what Clark wanted. He dreaded the results of being locked in a room with a naked Bruce. Bruce continued without hesitance, "If that's what it takes then I'll get naked for the greater good."

"No, please anything but that," Clark rushed to throw off his clothes without thinking, once he was in his underwear he asked, "Are you happy now?" He swallowed all his embarrassment from the other man who was looking him over with a look in his eye Clark chose not to identify.

"I would have preferred a bit more of a show, but that'll do. Now all I need is for you to change into those clothes," he nodded to a few clothes neatly folded on a comfortable looking chair in the corner of the room

"If it was just changing I could have done it in the bathroom, I know how to get dressed on my own. This was just a trick," Clark accused him hurrying to pull on the garments only noting how comfortable they felt once he was fully dressed.

"The materials and hand tailoring to make those clothes cost hundreds of dollars, the least you could offer was a striptease," Bruce said shamelessly. "Honestly, Kirk, it's like you have no sense of propriety."

"You're doing this on purpose," Clark once again accused him growing more upset with the man who professed to be a hero.

"So what? You decided to spy on a date and pretend to be your own clone. I'm the one cleaning up your mess because you can't handle yourself, if I want to have some fun along the way then nobody can blame me, least of all you," Bruce scolded him though his tone didn't slip into his Bat persona. Clark wondered for a minute if all of this was actually a bother to Bruce. He helped without any real complaint and maybe Clark was taking advantage of his kindness with no offer of payment. He admonished himself, in reality he was the guilty party and Batman had a right to punish him didn't he?

It didn't particularly cross his mind that Bruce might be manipulating his better nature and instead he apologized, "I'm sorry I made all this trouble for you, Bruce."

He heard Bruce sigh before responding, "I'm not actually upset Clark, this is hardly a hard fix for me, but try to remember I didn't force you to do anything. We're here based on your decisions, but I'll make sure not to take things too far."

"Really?" Clark asked the relief likely palpable in his tone.

"Unless I really need to I won't push past anything more than poking a bit of fun," Bruce once again sounded completely bland, "If you're all ready let's go downstairs, I'm sure all the kids will be happy to see Kirk" Clark noticed a small soft smile when he mentioned the rest of his family and although those smiles were rare, he appreciated knowing the man was human underneath everything.

"Stop calling me Kirk," Clark replied instead of commenting on his smile, knowing he would shut down if called on it.

"Get used to it, for the rest of your visit especially in the duration of Wonder Woman's presence, you are officially Kirk Kent. The weaker rogue clone who is obsessed with me just play the part," Bruce opened the door and began walking making a slight motion that Clark believed meant to follow him so he trotted after the slightly older man.

* * *

Dick was the first person they came across who gave Clark the same friendly smile he always gave him, but of course when he greeted him it was as Kirk. "So Kirk, it's been great having you around the house though I'll admit your obsession with Bruce is a bit over the top. Do you know how you'll apologize to Diana?" He asked cocking his head as he fell in step with them.

"That's a good question, Kirk do you know what you'll say?" Tim appeared out of nowhere and Clark was really not a fan of any of this. They all seemed bent on following a backstory that Clark barely knew and clearly adapted to it better than he was. Lying just wasn't in his nature, Superman and Clark were both parts of him so it always felt natural to a degree, being Kirk just felt wrong.

"Um, I'll figure something out," Clark replied trying to fall into character, but he hadn't been particularly fleshed out so it was difficult.

He heard a scoff and the youngest Robin stepped out of the shadows, "He just needs to get out of here as soon as possible, anything distracting Father is not worth keeping around. Like you Drake." Damien managed to get a burn in on him and Tim though he didn't know the complexities of the Bat family relationships and chose not to think too deeply about any of it.

"Right, sorry," he apologized lacking anything else to say. He had a feeling he'd just be repeatedly apologizing during his visit. Bruce of course made no effort to stop his children allowing them free reign to mess with Clark.

"Don't be sorry, it wasn't like you asked to be created," Dick tried to comfort him, but honestly that was the creepiest thing he'd heard so far and it might have showed on his face because he was called out by yet another former Robin, the least likely one to be there in Clark's opinion.

"Dicky, I don't think that helped," Jason commented with a smirk likely at the poor comforting and at how awkward Clark felt.

"Oops," Dick shrugged not sounding sorry in the least and for a moment he wondered if Dick had actually been trying to make things worse or if it was some attempt to get him in character.

Finally the small group made it downstairs and proceeded into the living room where Cassandra sat with Stephanie the former just nodded at him in greeting and the latter just smiled and said, "Hello, Kirk." They could probably read the distress rolling off him in waves and chose not to make things worse which he appreciated. The fact that all of them showed up to watch the absolute train-wreck that was coming up proved two points. One the entire Bat family had a twisted sense of humor and two this was absolutely going to go poorly.

* * *

Clark of course was correct from the moment Diana walked in things were sour. Alfred led her in and she was confronted with the entire Batfamily plus one Kirk Kent who, despite his expensive clothes, could not have looked any more out of place. She went through a round of greetings with everyone trying to hold on to some sense of decorum, but the entire time her dark glare had been centered on Kirk.

"Diana, meet Kirk he's been looking forward to meeting with you," Bruce glanced at Kirk's borderline terrified expression and amended his statement, "perhaps looking forward to isn't the right expression."

"Completely dreading sounds about right," Dick offered and Bruce nodded in assent.

"That's Clark," Diana stated not looking even slightly convinced at the charade.

"It's his clone," Jason tried to explain and in the moment that she turned to speak to him, Bruce tugged on Kirk's sweater so he fell into Bruce's lap.

He faked surprise and Tim spoke up, "Again Kirk? You know how uncomfortable Bruce becomes when you try to crawl on his lap."

"No, I-," Krik tried to explain.

He was cut off as he so often was, by Damien who commented, "It's distasteful, you're presence has been nothing, but trouble and I curse Superman for forcing us to watch over you."

Diana still didn't look convinced, but she was distracted and incensed when Bruce suddenly called out in convincing shock, "Kirk, you can't touch me there!"

Kirk definitely didn't touch Bruce in any remotely improper, in fact he was trying to push away from Bruce, unfortunately for him Diana didn't know that. At that point it didn't matter if he was Kirk or Clark as far as she was concerned he was groping Batman, her love interest and she wasn't going to stand for that.

He saw the punch coming, but didn't have time to react with Bruce holding him in place. Bruce conveniently let go as the punch connected and he was launched straight through the wall and into the front yard. Bruce jumped out after him followed by everyone else including a still huffing Diana who looked ready to take another shot. What none of them saw was Bruce uncap a small piece of kryptonite from a lead container weakening Kirk on the ground leaving him prone and moaning.

Bruce looked at Diana in completely fake disapproval, "Diana he isn't as strong as Clark you can't punch him like that, he's seriously injured." Kirk for his part certainly pulled off the look of an injured party remarkably. Largely because he was the injured party thanks to Bruce's intervention.

"He's weird, but you didn't have to do that, you might have done serious damage," Dick shook his head mirroring his father's look, though it too was completely falsified.

Damien looked at her and reassured her, "I personally agree with you, sending Kent through a wall was the best course of action." Having Damien's approval was just as bad as the disapproval from the rest of the family.

"I think it's funny, but I don't want to have to scrape clone gunk off the driveway, so let's stop here," Jason cut in gesturing to the still moaning Kirk who made for a rather sad display with Bruce silently torturing him, while trying his best to look comforting.

Bruce just huffed turning away from Kirk to pin Diana with another stare, "Diana you should probably go now, I'm going to have to administer care to Kirk, he's reaching out to me and probably won't accept anyone else's aid," Bruce pushed the kryptonite a little harder and nodded at a particularly loud grunt as if it was confirmation that Kirk wanted him. He picked up the still prone Kirk and carried him inside, the rest of the Bat family following. A tut of disapproval came from Cassandra and then Diana was left alone on the driveway staring at the hole in the house they walked through still in shock.

Her angry cursing followed the Bats inside as the devious smiles they'd been hiding surfaced.

Nobody, save Batman, knew about the photographer watching and taking pictures of the action, largely because Bruce hired the man and chose not to inform anyone. He was hoping to drag the drama out because this quality entertainment didn't fall into his lap often.

* * *

By the time Clark recovered from his time as Kirk the family had dispersed and Diana was long gone. "Are you feeling better Clark?" Bruce asked finally referring to him by his real name though that didn't make him feel any better considering what had just happened.

Although he obviously knew the answer he still asked incredulously, "Did you really just use kryptonite on me?"

"Yeah and it worked pretty well," Bruce shook a lead case that held a small piece of his glowing green weakness.

"That's all you have to say?" Despite all of Batman's antics Superman had never been properly mad, but now he felt true anger at Bruce for exploiting his weakness and casually using krpyonite like it was nothing.

Bruce looked at him searching for something, what he found Clark didn't know and didn't ask. When he finally spoke it was in a slightly apologetic tone, "Look I know that must have been hard for you and despite what you probably assume I don't enjoy torturing you, but it seemed like the best option. This isn't just about you Clark, team unity plays a role and we can'r afford to have Diana mad at you, we need to direct that somewhere else. If this is what it takes to convince her, then it's necessary. I understand if you're upset, but I think I know how to make it up to you."

"How?" Clark asked distracted from his anger for a moment, Bruce rarely offered an apology not that it had been a good one, it was more a justification. However Clark had never heard of him trying to compensate for his actions.

"I can strip," Bruce offered and Clark flew out the door and was on the way to Metropolis before Bruce could do anything remotely like taking his clothes off, not that he believed the man was serious. He just managed to catch the his laugh on the wind. It wasn't a bad sound.

* * *

 **A/N**

Please follow or favorite to see when I update and review to let me know what you think. I kinda know what I want to do with the story, but please keep letting me how you want me to focus it. Should I try more romance, more humor, or feature more new characters? I do try to take direction from you guys if you offer it.

Just so nobody get's confused. I'm sure you've noticed by now that I refer to everyone by who they are at that moment. So in costume he's Superman, out of costume Clark, and when pretending to be a clone he's referred to as Kirk. This generally holds true throughout the story for everyone. Before Diana's visit even though they called him Kirk they treated him as Clark, but during Diana's visit they acted as if he actually was Kirk so that's what I called him.

I don't know how, but this has quickly become my favorite story to write, it's loose plot-wise and fun to come up with things that barely make any sense.


	7. Chapter 7

The moment Clark stepped into the office something felt off, everyone's eyes seemed to be glued to him. Obviously it was related to the incident where he was seen following Bruce and Diana on their date, hopefully the pictures were poor enough that with enough denial it'd blow over. As long as he tried to keep a low profile, which given Clark's generally meek nature, shouldn't be too difficult. That plan was shattered when he finally reached his desk and found a gigantic gift basket sitting on it, he was barely able to see what was in it amidst all the pink paper and flowers. He distantly noted that Valentine's Day was coming up, but he'd never taken much stock of the holiday considering his lack of love life.

Even so that didn't explain whatever the abomination he was approaching was, but he had a foreboding feeling that he knew who it was from. A giant card sat atop the basket clearly visible among the gifts crammed into the wicker basket taking up his entire desk. He hesitantly reached out to take it, but before he could open it Lois snatched it from his hands and read it aloud clearly unbothered by his discomfort, "Generally I don't appreciate stalking, but I'll admit I'm flattered. I had no idea you were so interested in me. Jealousy looks good on you, but those ratty clothes didn't. Come back to my bedroom and I'll find something pretty for you. Enjoy your present, Happy Valentine's Day!"

Clark couldn't see his expression, but he was sure it radiated the horror he felt inside. Trying to convince everyone at the office that he had a clone was implausible, none of them would buy the Kirk Kent story. Why would Clark Kent country boy writer have a clone and they all knew he was an only child so the twin story wouldn't pan out. Which meant he couldn't avoid being called out on it especially when Bruce confirmed it for everyone in earshot.

Lois refused to back things better and seemed incredibly pleased, "I knew you had sex with him."

"What?" Clark's head whipped towards her at a speed that might break an average man's neck, though she wasn't paying attention.

"Come back to my bedroom, I'll find something pretty?" No offence, but if you can't read between the lines then you're just being dumb. Lois raised an eyebrow at him, knowing he could be dense about things of this nature, given his country upbringing, but this was blatant.

"No, you don't understand, he only used measuring tape on me," Clark tried to clarify failing to note that his explanation just confused the listeners and of course everyone in the office was listening. Essentially everyone was a rampant gossip and too nosy for their own good, it came with the territory, thankfully they didn't publish private pieces about each other, fearing retaliation. Everything inside the building was kept secret, but outside if he was caught "not stalking" again it was free game.

Lois just made a face and asked, "Is that a euphemism or has Bruce gotten more kinky since the last time we slept together?"

Clark did not need the mental image of Lois sleeping with Bruce so he quickly shoved that thought away along with the irritation that came with it. "No, like he stripped and measured me."

"Why would he- never mind that's not important. Let's see what you got," she carelessly threw away the plastic wrapping and pink tissue paper in a way his mother wouldn't appreciate. "Oh cute," she commented pulling out a cute brown bear wearing a Superman tee shirt and cape, Clark just choked on his own spit at how on the nose Bruce was. A darker Bear wearing leather armor and a bat mask came out with it's partner and this time Clark found himself biting back a smile imagining Bruce as a teddy bear.

The next thing Lois pulled out was a large bottle of undoubtedly expensive whiskey, which confused Clark more than a little bit. He didn't drink at all, which Bruce knew, and Bruce rarely drank. When he did it was usually just a glass, even at parties he only had ginger ale to trick people. A small note was attached, "I'll help you finish this, don't share with anyone else."

"I didn't know you had a taste for whiskey, it really isn't what I imagined you drinking," Lois looked at the elegant bottle and toyed with the crystal stopper.

"I don't drink often," Clark responded evasively, "His note said he'd help me finish it." There was of course the possibility that Bruce might try to get him drunk, but that might literally cause a disaster and harm innocents. He was fairly certain Bruce's games didn't extend so far that he'd let a drunken Superman fly around destroying the city.

Lois looked at the bottle for a moment before giving Clark a sly smile, "He's basically giving himself an invitation to drink with you. He knows you won't finish it on your own, so he's going to pop in to share a few glasses and drag you off to ravish you." Clark desperately tried to stop the heat that was likely rushing to his cheeks, but Lois' grin made him think he was failing.

Clark had no idea when Lois became such a fan of him being with Bruce, especially since she had been on a date with Bruce not long ago and had been serious about him at one point. Although he didn't know what he wanted to hear he decided to ask, "Lois why do you seem so supportive about Bruce and I spending time together? I thought you liked him."

Lois looked wistful for a moment and took a breath before speaking, "I think there was a time for me and Bruce to find happiness together, but that chance passed and in some ways we're both to blame for it. He's someone I'll always respect and I enjoy spending time with him, I like to think it's mutual, but I learned some things about him and I couldn't handle it. He never said so, but I think I hurt him and he deserves happiness with who will accept all of him, you both do. Underneath his showy nature, he's a good man who could really use someone like you." Clark was actually touched by what she said, she knew about Bruce's identity as Batman, but she was still unaware of Clark's own secret. She had to ruin the moment by adding, "Plus hopefully he'll tell me what you two do alone and I want to know all the details."

Clark just groaned, "You are the worst." Though he was sure if he truly asked Bruce not to say anything he'd be willing to hold information back from Lois. As much as Bruce seemed to enjoy teasing him, some things weren't meant to be shared.

Lois only laughed before replying, "You know you love me and I bet you'll love this." she attempted to pull a wrapped box out, but couldn't lift it. Clark tried to use his X-ray vision to see what was inside, but it was lead lined hence Lois' trouble lifting it. "What is this? A metal box?"

"I'll unwrap that later," Clark said waving off her attempts to actually lift the box. It would look more than a bit odd if everyone saw that it literally was a lead box, and Bruce wasn't around to explain it away.

"Alright I see some candy, a package of cookies," she paused for a moment, "a bottle of lube-"

Clark cut her off and put everything back in its place before pulling the basket under his desk at a speed that was worthy of Superman, thankfully it seemed Lois was more interested in his intense blush than his fast speed. "Please, don't say anything," he said a pleading tone bleeding into his voice.

She closed her mouth which had opened to say something that would probably embarrass him more, but she knew his limits and didn't want to truly upset him."Alright, Smallville, I'll leave you alone. I still have work to do anyway," she patted him on the shoulder and started to walk by, in a louder voice she called to everyone, "show's over let's get back to work." The office slowly slipped back into its usual frantic pace. He shoved the basket under his desk and resolved not to think about it until he was back at his apartment for the evening.

* * *

As much as he might want to burn the gift basket his parents had imparted enough manners to know destroying a gift probably wasn't the best way to show appreciation. He also didn't know how Bruce might retaliate if he destroyed something that the other man specifically prepared for him. Bruce might be playful right now, but he'd seen the Bat snap more than once and knew how dangerous he could be.

He meant to drop the basket the moment he stepped through the door into his apartment, but he could tell someone was inside. They were making no effort to hide so when he glanced into his kitchen he found Bruce tapping away at his phone with a half eaten slice of apple pie, looking the absolute picture of relaxed in an apartment that he didn't own. Unless he decided to buy the entire complex on a whim.

"Welcome home," he greeted without looking up, "Did you get my gift."

"You mean the basket you left on my desk in the middle of the office, the one that made the entire office tease me all day, and that I'm currently carrying?" Clark asked gently placing it on the floor once he'd stepped into the kitchen and stood on the opposite side of the small island Bruce was seated at.

Still not looking up Bruce answered, "So you did get it, wonderful." As per usual Clark couldn't entirely read his tone, he always seemed to be oscillating between Brucie teasing him, Bruce being serious, all the way to Batman's special brand of aggression. Now he sounded like he was being standard Bruce, but with a slightly teasing lilt. "Why did they tease you?"

"Possibly because there was a bottle of lube inside," Clark answered sarcastically and even without the lube people would have teased him.

"You didn't have to open it in the middle of the office," Bruce pointed out helpfully.

Clark just sighed, "Did you really believe Lois wouldn't immediately with or without my permission?"

Bruce shrugged, "How could I possibly have known, I'm only a simple man."

"Plus you had to mention the stalking incident," Clark was actually annoyed about that. That might have been the reason behind a lot of what happened, but he really didn't need it rubbed in his face in front of people he knew.

Bruce's patented smirk appeared, "Stalking incident? I thought it was Kirk Kent who did that, why on earth would you get in trouble?" He managed to force his expression into something more inquisitive and cocked his head to the side like a puppy. If he were a child it might have been cute from Bruce it was honestly off putting.

"Because nobody would believe I have a clone stalking you," Clark answered as if it was obvious. Clark wanted to ignore the fact that the implausible story was largely his fault and he still didn't know what was going to happen to Kirk Kent.

"Well I thought it was an airtight story," Bruce replied his voice clearly betraying his purported belief, "I mean a clone appearing out of the woodwork just to stalk me directly after our date, you should be a writer." Clark wasn't even going to dignify any of that.

Instead he gestured to Bruce's plate, "What're you eating?"

"Alfred baked you an apple pie for me to bring over, when I visited," Bruce explained punctuating his sentence by eating another bite.

Clark blinked twice before pointing out somewhat petulantly, "So you broke into my house to give me a pie and proceeded to eat it before I could get my hands on it?"

Bruce chewed slowly not being the type to speak with his mouthful, "I'm only eating one piece and it was only because you took so long to get home."

"I was at work," Clark was exasperated at the man's reasoning, "I didn't know I had a guest, or in this case a criminal in my home."

"Vigilante," Bruce corrected automatically. He continued, "Besides what's a bit of breaking and entering when you're as close as us? Now cut yourself a piece of pie and we'll have a nightcap," Bruce gestured to his basket where the whiskey was nestled inside and the pie which was sitting next to Bruce, with one piece missing.

Despite himself Clark grabbed the whiskey before cutting himself a slice of pie and sitting with Bruce. "You know I don't drink," he shook the bottle gently not wanting to damage it.

"I'll pour myself a glass and you can try just a sip, for taste," Bruce took produced a cup he'd taken from Clark's cabinets and filled it partially. He took a small sip and gestured for Clark to take it, but Clark was adamant. Bruce might have been able to bully him around, but Clark didn't want to drink it wasn't something he was interested in trying. "You sure?" Bruce asked when Clark made no attempt to take the glass. He finished the glass fairly quickly and placed it down. Out of the blue he pulled Clark into a deep kiss.

Clark could taste the whiskey on the other man's tongue and despite hiss shock he allowed himself to sink into the searing kiss. As quickly as Bruce began he pulled away letting Clark chase his lips in a way that he would find incredibly embarrassing when his sense came back to him. "It's good right?" Bruce asked his amusement present, but it wasn't mocking like Clark feared.

"Yeah," Clark wasn't sure how to respond and he was sure his voice was a bit breathless.

"It's always a pleasure, Clark," Bruce said with a small dip of his head and left through the front door, which Clark hand't bothered to lock behind him. Clark didn't try stopping him still wrapped up in what happened. It was only once he heard the roar of an engine and Bruce's departure than he finally was able to shake himself back to normal.

It wasn't like he'd never been kissed before, but that was something very odd and trying to decipher Bruce's feelings was useless until he'd sorted himself out. He never got the chance to ask what was in the lead box, though he supposed he could figure that out on his own.

He blamed Kirk Kent for everything and still didn't like whiskey.

* * *

So chapter 7 introduces a slightly more romantic theme which a lot of people seemed to want, but I also went that route since this was the equivalent to a Valentine's chapter for these fools. I didn't post it last week because I released two chapter for my other story Public Service Announcements of Justice.

Let me know if this was the kind of thing you'd been hoping for. I feel like it was a bit less funny than my other chapters, but I don't imagine characters falling in love if the entire time is about fake clones and fake dates. (Not that they don't have their place)


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